Category Archives: Feminism, Sexism, and Equality

I’d Like to Opt Out of Opting Out

the post where i offend everyone

It is amazing any kind of law gets made, upheld, or overturned in this country. Such twisting and turning of words is required. You ladies waiting for birth control better put that aspirin back between your knees.

Yes, I did read the SCOTUS transcript in Zubik v. Burwell, otherwise known as

The Super Duper Catholic Sisters of the Poor

versus

ABSOLUTELY fair and reasonable access to insurance covered contraception

Arguments were heard today, March 23, 2016. Results to come out later this year. My guess is a 4-4 split because heaven forbid we get something done this year. (Senate, #DoYourJob!)

By the way, the rights of individual women in this country are apparently not as important as the rights of a group of nuns–nuns who believe contraception is such a sin they can hardly look at babies because of all the sinning it takes to make them.

Sure, these nuns do good works, but if we grade them on a curve I’d say they are fair to middling people at best. All we asked them to do was sign a piece of paper absolving them of any responsibility for providing contraception in the insurance plans they offer their non-nun employees. But somewhere in the New Testament there is apparently a verse that says signing the form banishes them to hell, so off to the Supreme Court they went. (Can you say redundant?)

These holy women are asking for exceptional accommodations and exemptions.

They are asking the Supreme to allow them to OPT OUT of the proposed OPT OUT method provided by the government.

Yes, they object to the very act of opting out, and so they want to opt out. The Opt Out Form is too much of a burden to their sincerely held beliefs. They would prefer to just let women suffer in silence.

Actually, what they want is for women to have two insurance plans. One is provided by the Sisters and it would cover all the non-sinful things. The other would be purchased separately through the ACA exchange. It would be done in a dark room across town so the nuns wouldn’t have to witness it. Rather than signing the form releasing them from all responsibility, these Brides of Christ would prefer to cover their eyes, stick their fingers in their ears, and sing La la la la I can’t hear you.

They KNOW many of their employees will be using birth control but the nuns get a pass into Heaven if they pretend otherwise.

I get it. I do. I think I do.

To be honest the arguments in this case are a bit convoluted and I did not go down the rabbit hole of precedents, but it seems to me the crux of this case is about how many degrees of separation does it take for a nun to feel like they are not literally forcing a birth control pill down your throat.  It’s more than six degrees because Kevin Bacon is far too sexy. If the nuns have it their way we’ll have to go the climb the YUUUUGE Mexico wall to get birth control pills mixed in a dirty garage laboratory south of the border. Their pious minds will be eased knowing we will have travel through the NO ABORTION CLINICS ALLOWED wasteland called Texas. Praise Jesus!

Look, I don’t wish endometriosis on ANYONE, but perhaps their God could teach them a little compassion and perspective?? Birth Control pills are not always prescribed to control birth. More importantly, it’s none of their damn business why someone needs, wants, or uses birth control.

Sign the damn form and say a prayer. God will understand.

Yeah, yeah, Mea Culpa, Me Paenitet.

You can read the SCOTUS mess here: http://www.supremecourt.gov/oral_arguments/argument_transcripts/14-1418_1bn2.pdf

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Filed under Feminism, Sexism, and Equality, Violence Against Women

Birth control is more than sheathing your penis in latex

It takes a special kind of misogyny to proclaim one has this whole birth control thing figured out and then stand there and mansplain the concept of the vending machine rubber.

Senator Cruz…Ted…honey, birth control is so much more than sheathing your penis in latex.

banana and condom

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just trying to pass off condoms as comprehensive reproductive health care?

Look, I’m glad you took precautions when you were a college student—STDs are a bitch—but I’m going out on a limb now and guessing you probably didn’t need too many quarters back in your dorm days. If you had been sexing it up you might have learned that condoms are not god’s gift to women. And, in case your sex partners didn’t explain this to you back then, condoms are but one method of reproductive control AND, like the condoms, birth control is not a one size fits all proposition.

And here’s a bit of info you might need should this topic come up in a debate or town hall meeting:

When women vote they vote with full comprehension of birth control. SHOCKING, I know. But, since you feel you are grown up enough to be President I think you are old enough to know women are fully aware of and even initiate SEX…and sometimes they even like it! OMG! Yes yes yes!!!

(Shh…sometimes men aren’t even needed for the act, but that may be more information than you can handle right now.)

Teddy, since women discovered they actually enjoy sex they have taken it upon themselves to be prepared for it just in case their partner forgot to bring quarters for the bathroom vending machine. (FYI: glow in the dark condoms are NOT a turn on.)

And guess what, my little Cuban buddy, sometimes, and I hope you can handle the truth, women need birth control even if they are not planning to have sex. What?

I know you like to think any holes you stumble on down there are magical tunnels to a garden in heaven where they keep the babies, but it turns out woman are actual humans with more parts than most men know what to do with. True story!

Women are complicated, Ted, and we have complicated body systems. Believe it or not we have an entire inside of our bodies…we even have a brains!

Complicated bodies like ours require actual health care and none of that health care is available for pocket change in a bar bathroom. I won’t go in to all the details since it has to do with bleeding vaginas, ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and other weird girl parts, but suffice it to say, your fifty-cent sausage casings haven’t got anything on the money we need for fun with speculums, pap smears, and prescription medications that are required to keep us in control of our procreation and, as it turns out, keep many of us actually alive and kicking.

I know you’re trying to be hip and cool with this whole sex and birth control thing but ignorance is your friend, Teddy. When you pretend to know more than you do you sound like an ass.

Unfortunately, the ignorance of men is not something women are willing to put up with any longer. Our health and safety are at stake.

If you and the rest of your conservative friends want to discuss birth control you had better spend some time earning a medical degree in gynecology and obstetrics first because it’s clear you haven’t a clue about what birth control actually does for women. And while you’re educating yourself I suggest you brush up on your social economics courses because all those ‘gifts from god’especially the ones thrust upon women without our consent!—are going need food, clothing, and shelter and the change in your pockets that might cover the cost of your vending machine condoms won’t cover the reality that is uninvited and unintended pregnancy.

Long live sexual liberation. Long live women in control of their bodies.

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Filed under Feminism, Sexism, and Equality, Health and Wellness, Politics and Religion

I can’t believe I wore a dress for this

I know. I have no one to blame but myself.

Exhibit A:

social media post about a dress

Let me back up…

When I first took my musings public this blog was called How I Learned to Wear a Dress. I could pretend I gave that title deep thought and that my intention was a thorough delving into the social constructs of the feminine and the feminist, but really I just pulled the name out of my ass the day before I hit publish.

It’s not that I wasn’t a feminist or that I wasn’t genuinely interested in how all the expectations of being a women in the twenty-first century came together, but I wasn’t writing a dissertation either. The blog was a lark that happened to morph into a hodgepodge of essays on serious matters of feminist theory with a hint of pop culture and political antics thrown in for good measure.

Still, I DID put it out there that I hated dresses and stated quite publicly that the only two dresses found in my closet were a prom dress from 1985 and a wedding dress that has been in a box since my wedding day. I may have even suggested that all dresses were a form of costume since most of the dresses of my life came with an event attached—High Holy Days dress, Bat Mitzvah dress, Homecoming dance dress, the aforementioned prom and wedding dresses. Any other dresses I once wore were costumes for work—both literally as an actress and semi-figuratively as a dress code expectation at my job.

Oh, I did toy with casual skirt wearing back in the early 90s, but I didn’t inhale.

And then came the blog.

Friends took no time to challenge me into a dress. They appeared well-meaning, but I suspect they were really just using me for a benign distraction. A dress couldn’t possibly be THAT important.

I acquiesced. I wore a dress once or twice over the last few years for the benefit of my pushy friends readers—once as part of a Halloween costume so I’m not sure that counts. But dresses became unimportant to my cause and I eventually changed the name of the blog.

What my friends and readers may not realize is that I found room in my heart for dresses and I have actually worn dresses here and there over the last few years. In fact, I now have a handful of real and wearable and special-occasion-not-required dresses hanging in my closet right now. SHOCKER!

So yesterday when I posted Exhibit A above I thought I was being mildly funny. That’s it. I often post things for my own amusement and expect them to quickly disappear into the ether of the endless news feeds. Little did I expect the outpouring (okay, minor outpouring) of reactions.

Most people wanted reasoning and/or proof:

What’s the occasion? You’re already married.
I will need a picture to confirm said event happened.
What? What! I have to sit – feeling faint
Need to see the photo.
Photos please.

There will be no photos but a witness did chime in with:

I can confirm. A dress is being worn.

Some offered actual sitting advice:

Keep knees together and all should be well.
Hold an aspirin between your knees. (the sarcasm was implied)
Close them.
Very carefully.
Sit however you damn well please. (by far, my favorite answer)

Two friends stood (sat?) in solidarity for dress-less-ness:

I’ve worn one twice in the past 20 years, once for each of my daughter’s weddings. Now I’m done.
Yeah that would be me too! I only wear a skirt once a year, if that! Ugghh

I t was a thing.

Like I said, I have no one to blame but myself.

I am grateful for the guidance from my wise dress wearing friends. It’s nice to know I’ve got people looking out for my ass and thighs and whatever lies between my legs. But truth be told, wearing a dress, sitting in a dress, standing in a dress, twirling in a dress (one MUST twirl when in a dress), and generally functioning in a dress isn’t that hard. I think I can handle it now. So I ask your forgiveness for my previous and possibly melodramatic protestations. We can move on now. Dress fanfare is no longer needed.

Finally, while I do appreciate the leg position suggestions, part of me kind of likes the idea of rebelling against ladylike behavior so you may find the next time I wear a dress I just won’t really give a damn whether my little lady legs are gently pushed together or not.

P.S. I am currently wearing yoga pants which means I can put my legs in any position I damn well please, right? I’m eagerly awaiting your advice.

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Filed under Body Image, Body Acceptance, and Beauty, Feminism, Sexism, and Equality