Birth control is more than sheathing your penis in latex

It takes a special kind of misogyny to proclaim one has this whole birth control thing figured out and then stand there and mansplain the concept of the vending machine rubber.

Senator Cruz…Ted…honey, birth control is so much more than sheathing your penis in latex.

banana and condom

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just trying to pass off condoms as comprehensive reproductive health care?

Look, I’m glad you took precautions when you were a college student—STDs are a bitch—but I’m going out on a limb now and guessing you probably didn’t need too many quarters back in your dorm days. If you had been sexing it up you might have learned that condoms are not god’s gift to women. And, in case your sex partners didn’t explain this to you back then, condoms are but one method of reproductive control AND, like the condoms, birth control is not a one size fits all proposition.

And here’s a bit of info you might need should this topic come up in a debate or town hall meeting:

When women vote they vote with full comprehension of birth control. SHOCKING, I know. But, since you feel you are grown up enough to be President I think you are old enough to know women are fully aware of and even initiate SEX…and sometimes they even like it! OMG! Yes yes yes!!!

(Shh…sometimes men aren’t even needed for the act, but that may be more information than you can handle right now.)

Teddy, since women discovered they actually enjoy sex they have taken it upon themselves to be prepared for it just in case their partner forgot to bring quarters for the bathroom vending machine. (FYI: glow in the dark condoms are NOT a turn on.)

And guess what, my little Cuban buddy, sometimes, and I hope you can handle the truth, women need birth control even if they are not planning to have sex. What?

I know you like to think any holes you stumble on down there are magical tunnels to a garden in heaven where they keep the babies, but it turns out woman are actual humans with more parts than most men know what to do with. True story!

Women are complicated, Ted, and we have complicated body systems. Believe it or not we have an entire inside of our bodies…we even have a brains!

Complicated bodies like ours require actual health care and none of that health care is available for pocket change in a bar bathroom. I won’t go in to all the details since it has to do with bleeding vaginas, ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and other weird girl parts, but suffice it to say, your fifty-cent sausage casings haven’t got anything on the money we need for fun with speculums, pap smears, and prescription medications that are required to keep us in control of our procreation and, as it turns out, keep many of us actually alive and kicking.

I know you’re trying to be hip and cool with this whole sex and birth control thing but ignorance is your friend, Teddy. When you pretend to know more than you do you sound like an ass.

Unfortunately, the ignorance of men is not something women are willing to put up with any longer. Our health and safety are at stake.

If you and the rest of your conservative friends want to discuss birth control you had better spend some time earning a medical degree in gynecology and obstetrics first because it’s clear you haven’t a clue about what birth control actually does for women. And while you’re educating yourself I suggest you brush up on your social economics courses because all those ‘gifts from god’especially the ones thrust upon women without our consent!—are going need food, clothing, and shelter and the change in your pockets that might cover the cost of your vending machine condoms won’t cover the reality that is uninvited and unintended pregnancy.

Long live sexual liberation. Long live women in control of their bodies.

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