An Open Letter to Rep. Rayne Brown and Topless Men Everywhere

Dear Rep. Rayne Brown and the entire Legislature of North Carolina,

I speak for all women when I say, from the bottom of my well supported, strapped down, minimized, padded heart (or thereabouts), thank you for finally recognizing the disgusting and wantonly arousing nature of the topless man. It is because of your careful attention to detail, if not science, that we may finally have a law on the books that will provide this land the proper bubble of ignorance it deserves. House Bill 34, a bill that will “Clarify Indecent Exposure”, is exactly the right direction for this country and a good use of your time and our taxes.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been minding my own business in my own yard when that Mr. Johnson from across the street has taken it upon himself to walk around his front yard in a revealing tank-top.

Tank-tops, as you know, are the gateway clothing to carnal sin.

Mr. Johnson’s tank-top has sides cut so low that if I look hard enough I can almost see the beads of sweat drip down ever so slowly from the soft brown curly hair in his armpits. If I use my binoculars I can almost see the edges of his love circles.

(I apologize for the graphic description but you must understand what we’re up against out here in the real world.)

One day last summer–I remember it like it was yesterday–after Mr. Johnson had a particularly hard day of trimming the bushes and blowing the leaves, he took his tank-top off. HE TOOK IT OFF! And he took his time, like he knew someone was watching.

When the moment was right he slowly and deliberately peeled the hot dripping faded Tar Heels tank-top over his head revealing the roundness of a belly full of evil libations. (Speaking of, any chance you’ll reinstate prohibition?). He made no attempt whatsoever to cover up his chest niblets (pardon my language). Dear god! Niblets!

It is obvious Mr. Johnson has some sort of perverted agenda.

Mr. Johnson–or as we now call him around here, Ho ho ho Hairy Giant, you know, because of the exposed niblets and all–is out of control. Just last week I saw him go topless at the town pool and, I regret to say, he allowed his young boys to go topless as well.

If this behavior is allowed to continue I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Seriously, how do you expect women to function in a society that allows, nay, encourages, men to walk around with their man parts just hanging out there as if they are merely a benign part of the body. Is there no decency left in this world?  I don’t care if it’s hot outside. No one should be exposed to a bare chested man in public. Frankly I am worried he might start wearing sandals without socks, thus exposing his hairy toes to the world. Oh, the humanity.

Rep. Brown, please pass House Bill 34 right away and put this man in prison where he belongs. You might also consider amending the bill to include funding to buy men like Mr. Johnson a decent t-shirt and a roll of duct tape for their manly niblets because, as your colleague Rep. Tim Moore has stated on record, “duct tape fixes everything.”

Hold on a minute. What’s this? My friend has just informed me you are not banning topless MEN, just topless WOMEN.

I’m confused. This wasn’t a bill about sweaty, hairy underarms, and jiggly man boobs?

Interesting. Let me look more closely at the language of your bill. Ah! Here’s the nutty filling everyone is up in covered arms about:

House Bill 34
An Act to Clarify the Offense of Indecent Exposure

Line (a2) For the purposes of this section, the term “private parts” means external organs of sex and of excretion, including the nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the human female breast.

Well, I see you hit the nail right on the head, but, as men sometimes do, you missed the spot. You mistake breasts for sex organs. Common misunderstanding.

Let me just give you a quick biology lesson. Breasts, while certainly having the potential for being erogenous, are not sex organs any more than say the mouth is. For some people it’s all about the feet. For others it’s all about the hairy underarms. In the grand scheme of life the breasts play more of a functional role in women and are merely decorative in men. They serve no actual role in procreation.

So you see, no matter what prime time television, Hugh Hefner, your stack of closet pornography, or your “family values” say, you can’t fine and imprison women for their nipples and areolas while letting men like Mr. Johnson roam free. You have to go all in, baby, or pull out.

Let me put it this way, if you’re going to start banning the parts of the body that are sexually arousing you’re going to have to start with your brain. Oh, wait. I see you’ve already done that. Might I direct you to this article on gender bias?

Sadly, I can no longer support your law.

Oh well. That’s okay. It turns out I don’t actually HAVE to look at Mr. Johnson when he’s parading around town like a man. I have the freedom to close the curtains and put the binoculars down.

It’s amazing what a person can accomplish when they remember they have a choice.

Equality is a bitch, isn’t it, Rep. Brown.

Your Topless Friend,
K.M.